1
00:00:05,289 --> 00:00:09,670
This is 113 on
your FM dial at 7:30.
2
00:00:09,694 --> 00:00:12,472
Rachel! David! Breakfast.
3
00:00:12,496 --> 00:00:14,708
Barney, get the
kids up for breakfast.
4
00:00:14,732 --> 00:00:17,678
Two banks on Wall Street
were destroyed by explosions
5
00:00:17,702 --> 00:00:19,246
in the early hours
of the morning.
6
00:00:19,270 --> 00:00:20,548
Ugh!
7
00:00:20,572 --> 00:00:22,683
A new garbage strike
looms on the horizon.
8
00:00:22,707 --> 00:00:24,384
Wonderful.
9
00:00:24,408 --> 00:00:25,986
And street gangs here
have claimed the lives
10
00:00:26,010 --> 00:00:28,355
of two additional victims.
11
00:00:28,379 --> 00:00:31,959
Three Japanese terrorists
have hijacked an Italian airliner
12
00:00:31,983 --> 00:00:33,527
and, in retaliation,
13
00:00:33,551 --> 00:00:38,120
three Italian terrorists have
blown up a Japanese restaurant.
14
00:00:44,095 --> 00:00:47,708
Come on, everybody, up
please. Up for breakfast.
15
00:00:47,732 --> 00:00:50,277
What's the weather
look like outside?
16
00:00:50,301 --> 00:00:52,179
It's brown today.
17
00:00:52,203 --> 00:00:53,513
Is it raining?
18
00:00:53,537 --> 00:00:55,515
Something's coming down,
but I don't think it's water.
19
00:00:55,539 --> 00:00:56,516
What is it?
20
00:00:56,540 --> 00:00:58,652
It's a new plague.
Isn't it pretty?
21
00:00:58,676 --> 00:01:00,588
A little brown rain is
normal for New York
22
00:01:00,612 --> 00:01:01,956
at this time of year.
23
00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:03,156
If it gets a little colder,
24
00:01:03,180 --> 00:01:05,740
we can look forward
to a tan Christmas.
25
00:01:07,051 --> 00:01:09,563
I don't think you
should go to work today.
26
00:01:09,587 --> 00:01:12,622
A little brown in the air
never bothered me yet.
27
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:19,840
I think you should resign
from the police force today.
28
00:01:19,864 --> 00:01:23,733
I think you should go to Montana
and buy a chicken farm today.
29
00:01:24,568 --> 00:01:26,080
I don't like chickens.
30
00:01:26,104 --> 00:01:27,848
You don't know chickens.
31
00:01:27,872 --> 00:01:32,086
You've only seen them
frozen, with pimples
32
00:01:32,110 --> 00:01:34,121
and wrapped in plastic.
33
00:01:34,145 --> 00:01:38,792
You've never seen them
cute and lively with their fur on.
34
00:01:38,816 --> 00:01:40,360
Fur?
35
00:01:40,384 --> 00:01:42,618
You'll be crazy about Montana.
36
00:01:45,222 --> 00:01:46,900
You really hate it, I'm a cop.
37
00:01:46,924 --> 00:01:47,935
Yes.
38
00:01:47,959 --> 00:01:49,436
Don't beat around the bush.
39
00:01:49,460 --> 00:01:50,704
Are you aware of the fact
40
00:01:50,728 --> 00:01:52,506
that someone tried to
break in here last night?
41
00:01:52,530 --> 00:01:53,607
How do you know?
42
00:01:53,631 --> 00:01:56,944
Because there's a
clean spot on the window.
43
00:01:56,968 --> 00:01:58,946
They must not have
wanted to get in very badly.
44
00:01:58,970 --> 00:02:00,347
If they really
wanted to break in,
45
00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:02,182
the bars on that window
wouldn't have stopped them.
46
00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,584
Then why did we put them up for?
47
00:02:04,608 --> 00:02:06,820
Don't you remember? I made
a promise when we got married.
48
00:02:06,844 --> 00:02:09,322
I said I would do everything
I could to make you happy.
49
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:11,525
You wanted bars,
I gave you bars.
50
00:02:11,549 --> 00:02:14,483
I'm very grateful.
I love my bars.
51
00:02:15,887 --> 00:02:18,799
Are you aware
that statistics show
52
00:02:18,823 --> 00:02:22,069
that there is more crime in
the streets than in the home?
53
00:02:22,093 --> 00:02:23,973
There's more
room in the streets.
54
00:02:25,897 --> 00:02:28,275
Now an item from the
world of entertainment.
55
00:02:28,299 --> 00:02:30,377
Three people were
slain in a theatre last night
56
00:02:30,401 --> 00:02:33,814
during a first act
intermission robbery attempt.
57
00:02:33,838 --> 00:02:36,383
Now, once again,
your musical interlude.
58
00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:39,219
This is 113 on your FM dial,
59
00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:43,190
on the 101st floor of the
Empire State Building.
60
00:02:43,214 --> 00:02:44,524
Have a good day.
61
00:02:44,548 --> 00:02:48,851
Yeah, yeah, up there
where nobody can get to you.
62
00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:37,277
Ooh, I'm having dinner
with Stanley tonight.
63
00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:38,411
Tonight? It's a school night.
64
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,080
It's a special occasion.
65
00:03:40,104 --> 00:03:41,115
We're celebrating the printing
66
00:03:41,139 --> 00:03:42,382
of Stanley's first
business cards.
67
00:03:42,406 --> 00:03:43,550
What do you think?
68
00:03:43,574 --> 00:03:45,685
"Stanley M. Mankiewitz,
Attorney-at-Law.
69
00:03:45,709 --> 00:03:47,254
Public Defender's Office."
70
00:03:47,278 --> 00:03:48,588
Raised letters.
71
00:03:48,612 --> 00:03:50,457
Come on, will you,
or we're gonna be late.
72
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:52,059
Hurry up, hurry
up. Give me a kiss.
73
00:03:52,083 --> 00:03:53,227
All right, see you.
74
00:03:53,251 --> 00:03:54,427
Bye, Dad. Have a good day.
75
00:03:54,451 --> 00:03:55,896
Bye bye, babies. Bye!
76
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,453
Take a crowded bus.
77
00:04:01,959 --> 00:04:04,238
You all right?
78
00:04:04,262 --> 00:04:07,296
I have a "something's
rotten in Denmark" feeling.
79
00:04:10,868 --> 00:04:13,713
Would you consider
not going to work today
80
00:04:13,737 --> 00:04:15,715
and taking me for a
drive in the country?
81
00:04:15,739 --> 00:04:18,485
Liz, you heard the radio.
Shootings, bombings.
82
00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,075
It's my busy season.
83
00:04:22,646 --> 00:04:24,524
You really love it, don't you?
84
00:04:24,548 --> 00:04:27,961
You say, "shootings and
bombings," your eyes light up.
85
00:04:27,985 --> 00:04:30,563
Would it make you happier
if I didn't like my work?
86
00:04:30,587 --> 00:04:33,133
It would make me happy
if you liked me better.
87
00:04:33,157 --> 00:04:35,035
I don't think you
like me better.
88
00:04:35,059 --> 00:04:36,170
That is ridiculous.
89
00:04:36,194 --> 00:04:38,005
You remember the day
you got your gold badge?
90
00:04:38,029 --> 00:04:39,639
How excited you were?
91
00:04:39,663 --> 00:04:41,441
Do you know what
that means to a wife
92
00:04:41,465 --> 00:04:43,076
to know that her
husband is more excited
93
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:45,660
about his badge than her body?
94
00:04:45,736 --> 00:04:47,047
That's nonsense.
95
00:04:47,071 --> 00:04:50,918
I was every bit as excited
by your body as my badge.
96
00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:53,420
More probably.
97
00:04:53,444 --> 00:04:56,323
Sometimes your sense
of humor really annoys me.
98
00:04:56,347 --> 00:04:57,657
Goodbye, Liz.
99
00:04:57,681 --> 00:04:59,693
I have criminals waiting.
100
00:04:59,717 --> 00:05:01,428
I'll take you to the
country this weekend.
101
00:05:01,452 --> 00:05:05,432
No. Today, please. Humor me?
102
00:05:05,456 --> 00:05:06,800
I've humored you.
103
00:05:06,824 --> 00:05:08,135
When?
104
00:05:08,159 --> 00:05:11,604
That night on the other side of
the George Washington Bridge,
105
00:05:11,628 --> 00:05:14,708
in the back seat
of the Studebaker.
106
00:05:14,732 --> 00:05:17,610
You promised you would
never throw that up to me.
107
00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:18,678
Don't be silly.
108
00:05:18,702 --> 00:05:20,881
I throw it up to you
every chance I can get.
109
00:05:20,905 --> 00:05:22,049
I know.
110
00:05:22,073 --> 00:05:24,351
I just thought this was
another good opportunity.
111
00:05:24,375 --> 00:05:27,620
Liz, I've had a wonderful
time, but I really have to go.
112
00:05:27,644 --> 00:05:30,312
That's what you said that
night in the Studebaker.
113
00:05:32,383 --> 00:05:34,750
See you. Goodbye.
114
00:05:45,897 --> 00:05:48,178
12th Precinct. Detective
First Grade Harris.
115
00:05:49,166 --> 00:05:52,145
Yes, ma'am. A man
peeping on your fire escape?
116
00:05:52,169 --> 00:05:54,481
What's the address, ma'am?
117
00:05:54,505 --> 00:05:55,682
Ah-hum.
118
00:05:55,706 --> 00:05:59,119
Third floor rear bedroom window.
119
00:05:59,143 --> 00:06:01,588
What does he look like, ma'am?
120
00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:06,994
Tall, 180 pounds, dark hair.
121
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:09,162
Nicely dressed.
122
00:06:09,186 --> 00:06:11,220
Cute smile.
123
00:06:12,656 --> 00:06:14,567
Uh, yes, ma'am.
124
00:06:14,591 --> 00:06:17,031
Call back if you need us.
125
00:06:17,895 --> 00:06:20,040
Have a good day.
126
00:06:20,064 --> 00:06:22,042
Get inside, Harry.
127
00:06:22,066 --> 00:06:23,377
If you cannot
afford an attorney,
128
00:06:23,401 --> 00:06:25,379
the court will provide one
at no expense to yourself.
129
00:06:25,403 --> 00:06:26,546
You understand?
130
00:06:26,570 --> 00:06:27,814
Yeah, I understand!
131
00:06:27,838 --> 00:06:29,917
Come on, Wojciehowicz,
give me a break.
132
00:06:29,941 --> 00:06:32,975
Sure, what do you want broken?
133
00:06:35,246 --> 00:06:37,224
Bookmaking, possession
of gambling records.
134
00:06:37,248 --> 00:06:40,627
Wait a minute, I want an
attorney at no cost to myself.
135
00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:42,729
What for? You're guilty.
136
00:06:42,753 --> 00:06:44,331
You mind if I don't
take your word?
137
00:06:44,355 --> 00:06:47,167
Yeah, bank roll and
betting slips, Harry.
138
00:06:47,191 --> 00:06:49,436
You got caught with
all this stuff on you.
139
00:06:49,460 --> 00:06:50,938
Names, figures.
140
00:06:50,962 --> 00:06:53,540
$125, collect Paluzzi.
141
00:06:53,564 --> 00:06:56,243
$350, pay Schaeffer.
142
00:06:56,267 --> 00:06:58,111
You're getting careless, Harry.
143
00:06:58,135 --> 00:07:01,148
$65, collect Yemana.
144
00:07:03,140 --> 00:07:05,174
12th Precinct, Sergeant Yemana.
145
00:07:07,345 --> 00:07:10,123
You're getting very
careless, Harry.
146
00:07:10,147 --> 00:07:13,393
Hey, you guys are
making a big mistake!
147
00:07:13,417 --> 00:07:15,963
You were sitting on top of the
man, beating him with a brick.
148
00:07:15,987 --> 00:07:18,731
Hey, self defense,
man! He hit me first!
149
00:07:18,755 --> 00:07:21,868
I was just, you
know... Mugging him.
150
00:07:21,892 --> 00:07:23,870
Right on!
151
00:07:23,894 --> 00:07:27,740
I say, "Hey, man, give me
your money", you know?
152
00:07:27,764 --> 00:07:30,143
And the next thing
I know, he hits me.
153
00:07:30,167 --> 00:07:33,168
That guy, he must be from
out of town or something!
154
00:07:34,771 --> 00:07:37,750
I got to go to the
can, you know?
155
00:07:37,774 --> 00:07:39,752
You're embarrassing,
you know that?
156
00:07:42,346 --> 00:07:45,192
Hey, Puerto Riceño man, I
didn't know you were Puerto Rican!
157
00:07:45,216 --> 00:07:47,494
Because you're so embarrassing!
158
00:07:47,518 --> 00:07:49,696
You know what I feel like when
I hear somebody screaming,
159
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:50,797
"Help, police, murder!
160
00:07:50,821 --> 00:07:52,132
Call the cops.
Somebody's getting killed."
161
00:07:52,156 --> 00:07:53,433
And I find a Puerto Rican
162
00:07:53,457 --> 00:07:55,235
beating the hell
out of some whitey?
163
00:07:55,259 --> 00:07:57,070
I got to pull out
my piece and say,
164
00:07:57,094 --> 00:07:58,872
"Hold on there!
Hands in the air.
165
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:02,097
Police officer, thank you,"
because I am embarrassed.
166
00:08:04,968 --> 00:08:06,846
Don't you have any aspirin?
167
00:08:06,870 --> 00:08:08,982
I never use it. Don't need it.
168
00:08:09,006 --> 00:08:10,384
Maybe you don't
eat the right things.
169
00:08:10,408 --> 00:08:14,554
Clean mind and a healthy body.
170
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:17,157
Hey, anybody want
to work vice tomorrow?
171
00:08:17,181 --> 00:08:19,226
Me! I'll take it!
172
00:08:19,250 --> 00:08:20,727
You worked vice last week.
173
00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:23,785
I'm a policeman, baby. I
goes where I'm needed!
174
00:08:25,189 --> 00:08:27,556
Come on, Harry, they want
to talk to you downtown.
175
00:08:29,026 --> 00:08:31,971
Hey, Yemana, ain't there
something you can do for me?
176
00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:33,806
Oh, here's $20.
177
00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:36,310
I'll pay you the rest
when you get out.
178
00:08:38,269 --> 00:08:41,515
Hey, he won't let
me go to the can!
179
00:08:41,539 --> 00:08:43,750
Hey, Chano, take
him to the bathroom.
180
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:45,652
You take him.
They're your cuffs.
181
00:08:45,676 --> 00:08:47,654
All right, come on.
182
00:08:47,678 --> 00:08:48,922
I'm in bad shape!
183
00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:50,424
Me too.
184
00:08:50,448 --> 00:08:51,591
I need a fix.
185
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:52,981
I need a vacation.
186
00:08:54,452 --> 00:08:55,762
Just a minute, please.
187
00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,198
Hey, Harris, last week
when you was working vice,
188
00:08:58,222 --> 00:09:00,300
were you disguised as a Rabbi?
189
00:09:00,324 --> 00:09:01,568
Yeah, why?
190
00:09:01,592 --> 00:09:03,970
Did you have to forcibly
subdue a guy in a delicatessen?
191
00:09:03,994 --> 00:09:05,072
Yeah.
192
00:09:05,096 --> 00:09:08,130
It's for you. It's
the B'nai B'rith.
193
00:09:10,267 --> 00:09:12,279
Okay, everybody
put your hands up!
194
00:09:12,303 --> 00:09:13,613
Take it easy, kid!
195
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,682
Get your hands up and
get away from the door!
196
00:09:15,706 --> 00:09:17,084
You too! Get your hands up!
197
00:09:17,108 --> 00:09:19,953
Now I'm really embarrassed.
198
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:22,355
Don't try to stop me. I
want to get out of here!
199
00:09:22,379 --> 00:09:24,379
I'll kill anybody
who tries to stop me.
200
00:09:26,016 --> 00:09:27,227
Get out of my way.
201
00:09:27,251 --> 00:09:29,229
I swear I'm gonna kill
everybody in this damn place
202
00:09:29,253 --> 00:09:31,731
if I don't get out of here.
203
00:09:31,755 --> 00:09:36,057
Boy, do I hate to
start a day like this!
204
00:09:40,164 --> 00:09:41,508
Get out of the way! Move!
205
00:09:41,532 --> 00:09:43,776
I'm moving! I'm moving!
206
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:48,081
But I'm moving very slowly,
207
00:09:48,105 --> 00:09:50,550
because I don't want you
to misinterpret my moves.
208
00:09:50,574 --> 00:09:51,551
I wanna get out of here!
209
00:09:51,575 --> 00:09:53,220
I don't blame you!
210
00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:54,454
I don't wanna hurt anybody!
211
00:09:54,478 --> 00:09:55,722
Of course you don't
wanna hurt anybody.
212
00:09:55,746 --> 00:09:56,823
But I wanna get out of here!
213
00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:59,659
Sure, you'll get out of here,
214
00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,995
but not with a gun.
215
00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:05,832
Can I get out of
here without the gun?
216
00:10:05,856 --> 00:10:08,535
We'll try to arrange something.
217
00:10:08,559 --> 00:10:09,603
Let me ask...
218
00:10:09,627 --> 00:10:10,937
Don't come no
closer! Of course not!
219
00:10:10,961 --> 00:10:12,921
I'm backing up.
You think I'm crazy?
220
00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:16,042
Can I ask you a question?
221
00:10:16,066 --> 00:10:17,799
Go ahead.
222
00:10:18,735 --> 00:10:20,547
What's your name?
223
00:10:20,571 --> 00:10:22,171
That's the question?
224
00:10:23,106 --> 00:10:25,285
Yeah. I'm Barney Miller.
225
00:10:25,309 --> 00:10:26,553
Don't con me, man!
226
00:10:26,577 --> 00:10:27,554
No con!
227
00:10:27,578 --> 00:10:28,888
No con!
228
00:10:28,912 --> 00:10:30,890
It's just that if you call
somebody by a name,
229
00:10:30,914 --> 00:10:32,459
he becomes a person.
230
00:10:32,483 --> 00:10:34,127
It's easy to shoot a stranger,
231
00:10:34,151 --> 00:10:36,463
it's hard to shoot a person.
232
00:10:36,487 --> 00:10:38,064
What's your name?
233
00:10:38,088 --> 00:10:39,199
Santos.
234
00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:41,434
Santos.
235
00:10:41,458 --> 00:10:44,271
There, see? We're getting
to know each other already.
236
00:10:44,295 --> 00:10:46,105
Maybe we can even be friends.
237
00:10:46,129 --> 00:10:48,408
What's your first name?
238
00:10:48,432 --> 00:10:49,712
Ramon.
239
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,734
You call me Barney.
I'll call you Ramon.
240
00:10:54,004 --> 00:10:56,244
I wanna get out of here, Barney!
241
00:10:58,041 --> 00:11:00,387
Sure, Ramon.
242
00:11:00,411 --> 00:11:02,589
But you gotta go by the rules.
243
00:11:02,613 --> 00:11:04,791
First we gotta
book you... In jail?
244
00:11:04,815 --> 00:11:07,927
That's all we got here!
245
00:11:07,951 --> 00:11:09,896
But you'll have a
fair and impartial trial.
246
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,131
Oh, man! What's the matter?
247
00:11:12,155 --> 00:11:14,201
I'm a Puerto Rican junkie
248
00:11:14,225 --> 00:11:16,570
in a police station
with a gun in my hand.
249
00:11:16,594 --> 00:11:19,361
What am I gonna
do with a fair trial!
250
00:11:21,732 --> 00:11:22,812
Don't answer the phone!
251
00:11:27,037 --> 00:11:28,815
Ramon, this is a police station.
252
00:11:28,839 --> 00:11:31,918
You gotta let Sergeant
Amenguale answer the telephone.
253
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:34,454
Believe me, he won't
do anything stupid.
254
00:11:34,478 --> 00:11:36,945
Don't do anything stupid,
Sergeant Amenguale!
255
00:11:40,517 --> 00:11:41,783
Okay.
256
00:11:46,156 --> 00:11:48,857
12th Precinct, Detectives,
Sergeant Amenguale speaking.
257
00:11:52,028 --> 00:11:53,194
Barney, it's your wife.
258
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,040
Ask her to call back, will you?
259
00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:02,671
Could you call back
later, Elizabeth?
260
00:12:05,676 --> 00:12:07,276
She can't call back, Barney.
261
00:12:09,780 --> 00:12:11,212
Ramon, are you married?
262
00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:14,761
Someday you'll be
married, you'll understand.
263
00:12:14,785 --> 00:12:16,630
Do you mind if I
speak to my wife?
264
00:12:16,654 --> 00:12:17,631
No tricks!
265
00:12:17,655 --> 00:12:19,688
No tricks.
266
00:12:23,727 --> 00:12:28,174
Be brief, will you,
Liz? I'm kind of busy.
267
00:12:28,198 --> 00:12:31,944
Liz... Liz, Liz...
268
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:35,815
Liz, I can't talk chickens now.
269
00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:38,785
I got people waiting.
270
00:12:38,809 --> 00:12:41,521
Yeah, all right.
271
00:12:41,545 --> 00:12:43,122
I'll remember
you to all the boys.
272
00:12:43,146 --> 00:12:46,660
Okay. Bye-bye, dear. Bye-bye.
273
00:12:46,684 --> 00:12:48,795
Forgive me, Ramon!
274
00:12:48,819 --> 00:12:50,897
Hey, I got a great idea!
275
00:12:50,921 --> 00:12:54,601
Wonderful, I'll take
thinking to shooting any day.
276
00:12:54,625 --> 00:12:56,670
Everybody, pay attention,
Ramon has an idea.
277
00:12:56,694 --> 00:12:58,271
Okay man, look.
278
00:12:58,295 --> 00:12:59,773
I'll give you back the gun.
279
00:12:59,797 --> 00:13:01,574
And then you let
me walk out of here
280
00:13:01,598 --> 00:13:04,311
and we can forget the
whole thing happened, huh?
281
00:13:04,335 --> 00:13:05,375
What do you say, huh?
282
00:13:08,505 --> 00:13:11,540
You know, that's
not such a bad idea.
283
00:13:12,776 --> 00:13:14,954
I'd like to, Ramon, but I can't.
284
00:13:14,978 --> 00:13:17,056
Why not? It's okay with us.
285
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:18,747
Absolutely.
286
00:13:21,985 --> 00:13:23,129
No.
287
00:13:23,153 --> 00:13:25,520
Why not? It's okay with them.
288
00:13:27,123 --> 00:13:29,502
Ramon, if I told you that
if you gave me the gun,
289
00:13:29,526 --> 00:13:31,705
I would let you walk out of
here like nothing happened,
290
00:13:31,729 --> 00:13:32,706
would you believe me?
291
00:13:32,730 --> 00:13:34,974
Maybe. No, you wouldn't.
292
00:13:34,998 --> 00:13:37,143
Because you're not stupid
293
00:13:37,167 --> 00:13:38,411
and neither are we.
294
00:13:38,435 --> 00:13:41,013
If you give me that gun
and try to walk out of here,
295
00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:42,615
Sergeant Amenguale
and the rest of the boys
296
00:13:42,639 --> 00:13:44,759
are gonna beat the
hell out of you. Tell him.
297
00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:49,422
Tell him what?
298
00:13:49,446 --> 00:13:52,425
Tell him if he gives me the
gun and tries to walk out of here
299
00:13:52,449 --> 00:13:55,161
you and the rest of the boys
are gonna beat the hell out of him.
300
00:13:55,185 --> 00:13:57,364
Barney! Tell him!
301
00:13:57,388 --> 00:14:02,123
I want Ramon to know that
up here nobody lies to him!
302
00:14:04,961 --> 00:14:07,974
Kid, if you put down the gun
and try to walk out of here,
303
00:14:07,998 --> 00:14:10,279
me and the boys are goinna
beat the hell out of you!
304
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:12,467
See?
305
00:14:14,371 --> 00:14:16,115
Now that you can believe.
306
00:14:16,139 --> 00:14:19,151
Now, Ramon, that gun is not
going to get you out of here,
307
00:14:19,175 --> 00:14:21,921
but I got something
in my pocket that will.
308
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,256
What you got?
309
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,324
A card!
310
00:14:25,348 --> 00:14:26,593
What kind of card?
311
00:14:26,617 --> 00:14:28,595
A card with the
name of a lawyer on it.
312
00:14:28,619 --> 00:14:29,863
I ain't got no
dough for a layer.
313
00:14:29,887 --> 00:14:31,631
Stanley Mankiewitz
doesn't charge!
314
00:14:31,655 --> 00:14:33,700
Don't put me on, man,
everybody charges!
315
00:14:33,724 --> 00:14:35,201
That's the beauty
part of this card!
316
00:14:35,225 --> 00:14:37,570
The city pays him.
He's a public defender.
317
00:14:37,594 --> 00:14:41,474
He's very young,
but he's very bright.
318
00:14:41,498 --> 00:14:44,744
He keeps company
with my daughter.
319
00:14:44,768 --> 00:14:47,602
This guy Mankiewitz,
he's not a Puerto Rican.
320
00:14:49,372 --> 00:14:51,951
He's Jewish.
321
00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:54,208
It's practically the same thing.
322
00:14:57,013 --> 00:14:59,526
Ramon...
323
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:02,796
you see my gun is over here
and my hands are up here.
324
00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:08,468
Now the card is in this pocket.
325
00:15:08,492 --> 00:15:09,691
Here.
326
00:15:11,027 --> 00:15:13,172
I don't know, man. Here.
327
00:15:13,196 --> 00:15:16,064
Put it right there.
328
00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:26,519
Don't anybody move!
Don't anybody shoot!
329
00:15:26,543 --> 00:15:28,521
You trying to
psyche me out, man?
330
00:15:28,545 --> 00:15:29,722
Get away from the door!
331
00:15:29,746 --> 00:15:31,658
I can't do that, Ramon.
Get out of my way!
332
00:15:31,682 --> 00:15:33,059
Ramon, any minute 80 more cops
333
00:15:33,083 --> 00:15:35,194
are gonna be coming through
that door and it's all gonna be over!
334
00:15:35,218 --> 00:15:36,195
Now pick up the card!
335
00:15:36,219 --> 00:15:37,296
You want me to kill you, man?
336
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:42,034
I want you to call
Stanley Mankiewitz!
337
00:15:42,058 --> 00:15:44,125
Is that too much
to ask of a friend?
338
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:07,193
Okay, okay, you won't regret it.
339
00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:09,050
Whose gun is this?
340
00:16:13,924 --> 00:16:15,134
Mine.
341
00:16:15,158 --> 00:16:17,203
You and I will
discuss at another time
342
00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:18,738
how Ramon happened
to get your gun.
343
00:16:18,762 --> 00:16:20,840
Meanwhile, take him
downstairs and book him.
344
00:16:20,864 --> 00:16:22,509
Let him make his phone call
345
00:16:22,533 --> 00:16:24,343
and get him something
for his screaming meemies.
346
00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:26,746
To tell you the truth, I could
use a little something myself.
347
00:16:26,770 --> 00:16:28,247
Hey, Barney,
348
00:16:28,271 --> 00:16:29,916
why didn't you just
drop to the floor.
349
00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:31,940
I could have had
a clear shot at him?
350
00:16:32,976 --> 00:16:34,353
I wouldn't want
a thing like that
351
00:16:34,377 --> 00:16:35,555
on your conscience,
Wojciehowicz.
352
00:16:35,579 --> 00:16:37,624
Besides, I've seen
you on the pistol range.
353
00:16:37,648 --> 00:16:38,780
What's that mean?
354
00:16:40,316 --> 00:16:42,962
With the kid I stood a 50/50
chance he wouldn't shoot me.
355
00:16:42,986 --> 00:16:46,021
With you, I wasn't so sure.
356
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:52,371
Hello!
357
00:16:52,395 --> 00:16:53,706
Who's there?
358
00:16:53,730 --> 00:16:54,774
It's me. I'm home!
359
00:16:54,798 --> 00:16:57,966
I'll believe it when I see it.
360
00:17:06,076 --> 00:17:08,109
Bang!
361
00:17:09,813 --> 00:17:11,724
Will you stop doing that!
362
00:17:11,748 --> 00:17:13,893
Hi, Daddy! Don't "hi, Daddy" me.
363
00:17:13,917 --> 00:17:17,664
It's not polite to sneak up
behind people and "bang."
364
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,265
David...
365
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:22,535
David, there's $2.5 million
worth of toys in this house.
366
00:17:22,559 --> 00:17:24,203
How come you
always play with a gun?
367
00:17:24,227 --> 00:17:26,138
You play with a gun.
368
00:17:26,162 --> 00:17:27,640
It's part of my job.
369
00:17:27,664 --> 00:17:31,343
Mr. Schwartz has a job and
he doesn't play with a gun.
370
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:35,582
Mr. Schwartz is a janitor.
He plays with a shovel.
371
00:17:35,606 --> 00:17:38,084
Your father's a police
officer. He plays with a gun.
372
00:17:38,108 --> 00:17:41,476
Here, look... Play with this!
373
00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:43,646
Bang!
374
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:48,027
David, your pizza's ready.
375
00:17:48,051 --> 00:17:49,261
Hi. Hi.
376
00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:51,263
How was your day?
We didn't get robbed.
377
00:17:51,287 --> 00:17:52,531
Ah! You see?
378
00:17:52,555 --> 00:17:55,034
See? That's because I
washed the rest of the window
379
00:17:55,058 --> 00:17:58,337
and they couldn't
find their way back.
380
00:17:58,361 --> 00:18:00,607
How was your day?
381
00:18:00,631 --> 00:18:02,241
Fine. Really?
382
00:18:02,265 --> 00:18:06,178
Yeah, perfectly normal day.
383
00:18:06,202 --> 00:18:07,546
I don't believe you,
384
00:18:07,570 --> 00:18:11,150
but I never look a gift
husband in the mouth.
385
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:14,353
Hi, Pop! Oh, Mom, could I have
something to eat right away?
386
00:18:14,377 --> 00:18:16,422
I thought you were going
out to dinner with Stanley.
387
00:18:16,446 --> 00:18:18,124
Oh, public defenders
don't have any money.
388
00:18:18,148 --> 00:18:19,993
All we ever eat for
dinner is dessert.
389
00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:22,729
Oh, I'll get it!
390
00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:24,764
I'll fix something
for Stanley too
391
00:18:24,788 --> 00:18:27,421
that way you can
both start out even.
392
00:18:29,159 --> 00:18:30,637
And how was school today?
393
00:18:30,661 --> 00:18:32,694
I didn't get robbed.
394
00:18:33,664 --> 00:18:34,974
Hi, Rachel. Hi.
395
00:18:34,998 --> 00:18:35,975
Oh, hello, Stanley.
396
00:18:35,999 --> 00:18:37,443
Can I fix you a drink?
397
00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:39,512
No, thank you, Captain Miller.
Good evening, Mrs. Miller.
398
00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:41,014
Hi, Stanley.
399
00:18:41,038 --> 00:18:43,449
Actually, I am here
tonight for two reasons.
400
00:18:43,473 --> 00:18:47,553
First, to take a certain young,
beautiful girl out to dinner.
401
00:18:47,577 --> 00:18:50,456
And second, to present a
bottle of wine to the hero,
402
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,092
as a tribute and a thank you.
403
00:18:53,116 --> 00:18:56,317
Hero? What hero?
404
00:18:57,453 --> 00:18:58,698
You shouldn't have
done it, Stanley.
405
00:18:58,722 --> 00:19:00,199
What hero, Stanley?
406
00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:01,934
Didn't he tell you? No.
407
00:19:01,958 --> 00:19:04,537
This morning some crazy
kid strung out on drugs
408
00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:06,005
comes into the police station
409
00:19:06,029 --> 00:19:08,240
and takes a gun away
from on of the police officers
410
00:19:08,264 --> 00:19:09,876
and threatens to kill
everyone in the place
411
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:11,711
unless they let him go free,
412
00:19:11,735 --> 00:19:14,180
and Captain Barney Miller
not only talks him out of it,
413
00:19:14,204 --> 00:19:16,437
but refers him
to me as a client!
414
00:19:18,775 --> 00:19:20,920
Well...
415
00:19:20,944 --> 00:19:23,690
Isn't that swell, Stanley.
416
00:19:23,714 --> 00:19:25,825
How could a thing
like that happen?
417
00:19:25,849 --> 00:19:30,329
It happens all the time
on a perfectly normal day.
418
00:19:30,353 --> 00:19:32,631
What is everybody making
such a big deal about?
419
00:19:32,655 --> 00:19:34,466
Big deal? Dad, you
could have been killed!
420
00:19:34,490 --> 00:19:37,369
Stanley's over
dramatizing everything.
421
00:19:37,393 --> 00:19:39,538
He comes with this wild
story about some crazy kid
422
00:19:39,562 --> 00:19:41,640
comes into the police station,
steals a policeman's gun,
423
00:19:41,664 --> 00:19:44,077
threatens to shoot everybody in
the place unless we let him out!
424
00:19:44,101 --> 00:19:45,078
Well, isn't that what happened?
425
00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:46,278
Of course not. Then
what happened?
426
00:19:46,302 --> 00:19:49,048
Some crazy kid came
into the police station,
427
00:19:49,072 --> 00:19:50,282
stole a policeman's gun,
428
00:19:50,306 --> 00:19:53,285
threatened to shoot
everybody in the place
429
00:19:53,309 --> 00:19:55,676
unless we let him go.
430
00:19:57,380 --> 00:20:02,028
What the hell! A miss is as
good as a mile, I always say.
431
00:20:02,052 --> 00:20:03,362
I'm sorry, Captain Miller.
432
00:20:03,386 --> 00:20:05,364
I didn't mean to
upset everybody.
433
00:20:05,388 --> 00:20:08,089
It's all right, Stanley.
We've been there before.
434
00:20:09,092 --> 00:20:10,770
Is there anything I can do?
435
00:20:10,794 --> 00:20:14,963
Yes. You came to take my
daughter to dessert. Take her.
436
00:20:22,939 --> 00:20:25,240
Bye. See you later.
437
00:20:27,944 --> 00:20:29,655
A perfectly normal day.
438
00:20:29,679 --> 00:20:31,490
I didn't want to upset you.
439
00:20:31,514 --> 00:20:33,993
You could have
broken it to me gently
440
00:20:34,017 --> 00:20:38,386
like, "Guess who
almost got killed today?"
441
00:20:39,990 --> 00:20:44,303
A situation like this
happens once in a lifetime.
442
00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:46,806
You realize what that means?
443
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:49,909
I'm safe for the
rest of my lifetime.
444
00:20:49,933 --> 00:20:51,911
Sometimes your sense of humor...
445
00:20:51,935 --> 00:20:53,802
Yeah, I know, it annoys you.
446
00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:05,158
I knew you weren't
going to Montana today.
447
00:21:05,182 --> 00:21:07,593
I had a feeling you sensed that.
448
00:21:07,617 --> 00:21:11,798
I knew you weren't going
to buy a chicken farm today.
449
00:21:11,822 --> 00:21:13,166
Very observant.
450
00:21:13,190 --> 00:21:15,634
I always know you were
hiding something from me.
451
00:21:15,658 --> 00:21:21,707
Liz... Liz, I know a guy
452
00:21:21,731 --> 00:21:24,799
who wants to sell a Studebaker.
453
00:21:28,638 --> 00:21:33,208
I knew you were
going to say that.
454
00:21:37,513 --> 00:21:38,579
Bang!